MODEL WANNABES

Don't have any choice but to be brutal with this. Haaaay. Manila is crawling with model wannabes, and I'm not even exaggerating.
I have been invited to screen models for countless shows, events, pageants, contests and the like, and I must say, malapit na ako mag bigti.

I'm not even doing this for the money. My industry friends just trust my impeccable taste so much, that they have to have me on the committee.

And it's not like I can keep my mouth shut too. As soon as a wannabe steps in the screening room, I'm sure they can see me cringe in my seat.

Ewan ko ba, parang uso ata ang maging model ngayon. Dati, lahat gusto mag artista. Ngayon mag model naman. I don't even know who to blame. Wala pa namang sumisikat na model na walang K, so I don't even know who these people's poster boy/girl is.

I personally feel that these people should be hit with a huge chunk of reality earlier on. And I think their parents should be responsible for that.

I'm sure mga magulang ang dapat sisihin jan. It's like any other contest actually. Take American Idol/Philippine Idol. Doesn't this cross your mind everytime they show the bad auditions? Parang "ok ka lang?" Friends and family ang may sala jan. I'm sure, yung taong yan, minsan lang napakanta sa isang family reunion or school program, and instead of telling him or her the truth, praises galore ang mga kamag-anak. Syempre, this will go to the person's head. Feeling nya, wow, I rock. And feeling nya, may K sya. Sarap pagsasampalin ang mga ito!

You guys have no idea what I'm even talking about. See that guy I put up there? Gusto nya mag-model. This picture is an actual application to a modeling agency. Utang na loob! Sinayang lang nya ang oras ng photographer, lightsman, staff ng studio, at nasayang pa tuloy ang napaka-sosy na marble background! Sayang din sa photopaper! Nag-sayang din sya ng pera! Sana inipon na lang nya yung pera at nag pa-opera na lang sya diba? Sulit!

Haaaay naku. Actually, kawawa ang mga ito. Kasi mapapagod at mauubos lang ang pera nila sa kapupunta sa mga go-see, sa pag develop ng mga pics, at pagpapa kuha ng studio shots, eh wala namang nangyayari sa kanila.

Isa pa, hindi porke kayo ang pinaka-maganda at gwapo sa barkada nyo, ibig sabihi pwede na kayo mag-model or mag-artista! Eh ako nga, ilang beses na akong inalok na mag-model or mag-artista, ako pa umayaw. Ganyan dapat. Tignan nyo muna kung nilalapitan man lang kayo. Ng mga agent ha, hindi langaw.

Dapat talaga sa mga yan, sinasabihan ng totoo. I'm sure they'll cry like hell, but fuck it. They need the reality bite, so be it. Nakatulong pa ako sa sangkatauhan dahil hindi na lalabas ng bahay ang mga ganito.

I think shows like Pinoy Big Brother, Star Struck and the like are partly to blame. They made Rainier Castillo and Hero Angeles famous, and now people like them think, "hey, I can do that too." Kaya nga ba salot sa lipunan ang mga ganyang shows. It's a fuckin' waste of time, and I would rather watch Maury and Jerry Springer than watch a minute of those shows.

I'm sure all the screening committees of the TV and Fashion industry agree with me and feel the same way. But they're just too nice to say anything. Well that's what I'm here for, to speak the painful truth...

"MAGISING KAYO SA KATUTUHANAN! WALA KAYONG KARAPATAN MAG-MODEL AT MAG-ARTISTA DAHIL NAKAKATAKOT KAYO! BUMILI MUNA KAYO NG SALAMIN BAGO KAYO LUMABAS NG BAHAY! SABAYAN NYO NA RIN NG ISANG DRUM NG KAPE PARA NERBYOSIN KAYO NG SLIGHT! HINDI KAYO MODEL! BAKA MODEL EMPLOYEE PWEDE PA! 'WAG NYONG SAYANGIN ANG ORAS NAMIN!"

Ang mean ba? So what? They need that. And sana naman ma-gets na nila 'no. 'Di ba kayo nagtataka kung bakit masungit lagi ang mga staff sa go-see? Dahil sa inyo 'no! Nakaka-init kaya ng dugo yung mag screen ng mga mukhang katulong at trabahador. Ginamit nyo na nga yung damit ng amo nyo, nag side trip pa kayo sa pagbili ng suka sa kanto.

It is up to us industry people to teach these individuals a lesson. Kasi kung hindi, this will never stop. We'll be doing them a favor. Hindi na sila mapapahiya next time, makakatipid na sila sa pamasahe at gastos, at lalaki silang mabubuting mamamayan dahil alam na nila ang katutuhanan.

Kaya mga feeling model jan, kapag naka mga 30 na go-see na kayo, at ni isa walang tumawag, mag-isip isip na kayo. Baka naman it's time to rethink your career path.

Madami call centers jan. Ang SM laging naghahanap ng staff sa department store. Makakapag make-up pa kayo ng blue at pink. Mga restos jan laging naghahanap ng crew. Mga events group kelangan ng mga taga-buhat. Mga TV station laging kelangan ng bagong staff. Sa Post Office pwede din kayo. Sa Census, SSS, LTO at Malabanan, madaming opening jan. At madami ding bahay sa Manila na kelangang linisin.

PMAP (Pangit na mga Models at Atribidang Pandak)

Hmmm where do I start with them?

How about the fact that not one of them have any right to be in a PROFESSIONAL models association?

Lemme start with the "president", Rissa Samson. Now how in the world did a midget become the president of this association?! She's the smallest among the group. She has the weirdest excuse for dimples, the worst walk I've ever seen, and she's not even nice! I'm sparing her sister, Raya Mananquil, 'coz in fairness to Raya, may K naman ang ate natin. She has the height, the cheekbones, the walk. She's all model material. But Rissa?! Eeeek. I don't think so. Kung ganyan din ang mga modelo ngayon, eh di rumarampa na din ako sa Milan. And how about their brother, Robby "Apeman" Mananquil? I think if I'm not mistaken, he made his professional debut in the movie Planet of the Apes. Sure he has the body, but that's it. You guys ever heard of the term "hipon" to describe men with fab bodies but unexplainable faces? Well si Robby, he's not even a hipon to me. Lahat itatapon ko. And I even love shrimp! Ganyan sya ka pangit. Syempre, we can't forget na the reason why they got into the industry is because of their mom, Millet "Queen Amidala" Mananquil. Need I say more? I can just imagine how the conversation went:

"Ma, we want to be supermodels! Kaya lang Ma, you know, we're not really qualified. We're not even at least attractive. Lalo na ako Ma, buti pa si Raya, like, she looks like a model talaga. I'm like, unano eh. Weird pa ng dimples ko. I don't know how to make lakad pa. Para akong elephant mag walk eh. Si Robby, at least he's working out na. Maganda na katawan ni Robby, pero luwa na nga mata nya, he's so pangit pa. Doesn't he look like King Kong, Ma? Or Bakekang? 'Di naman nakukuha sa workout ang mukha eh. Why don't you bring me to Belo, Ma? Para at least I'm presentable 'di ba?"

"Anak, Dra. Belo's not a magician. You would need a mason and jackhammer to fix your face. Gamitin mo yung mga tools na ginamit sa paggawa ng mansion nating 'to. Idasal mo na lang yan, anak. Pero sige, I'll pull all my strings. Bukas na bukas supermodels na kayo. Ako bahala..."

Sus, kung nanay ko din yan, eh di sana model na din ako ng Bulgari. Ang powers nga naman.

Next is Valerie "who looks too much like Vic Sotto" delos Santos. She has one expression, and it's not even a nice one. The constipated look just isn't working on her. Her sexy, angry, seducing, sad and happy faces are all the same.

Bubbles "thunder thighs" Paraiso. Self explanatory.

Phoemela "Adik" Barranda. Isn't being a drug addict grounds for dismissal in a "professional" models association? Let's not forget the reason why she was kicked out of Extra Challenge. But yes, she's still in the "professional" models association. A board member even.

And why the hell are there foreigners in PMAP? Akala ko ba of the PHILIPPINES? Haaaaay naku. So tama nga ang mga sinasabi ng mga tao.

PMAP uses new recruits to attract new clients, but they still hog all the projects to themselves. Tsk, tsk tsk. Actually, I don't recall any all PMAP show where all the board members aren't there. Syempre complete ang magkakabarkada. Politics nga naman. Take for example a client needs 12 models for a jewelry show, and calls on PMAP to do the show. Those 12 slots will be filled up by the board members first. If say there are 2 who can't do the show, they're gonna open up those 2 slots, and the rest of the PMAP members will vie for those 2 remaining slots. Syempre, they find out about the go-sees way before the new members do.

Examples: The C2 campaign, both PMAP board members Robby Mananquil and Isabel Roces. Balita ko there's this instant noodles TV ad na puro PMAP girl board members din. And there's this BULGARI PR Shoot din na all PMAP board members din. Hay hindi talaga makatarungan!

Well, their time is up soon anyway. Very soon. Wrinkles, flab, cellulite, lung cancer, and diminishing brain cells are just catching up with them. I'm giving them 2 years. Soon all of them will have to resort to science to save their so-called beauty. Botox, mesotherapy, liposuction, and breast lifts will be the qualifications to join PMAP. Hey, baka pwede mag-apply si Ellen? If maging PMAP member sya, libre pa mga services for all PMAP members sa Ellen's! Eh di iisa na lang ang look ng PMAP! Halloween all year round! Panalo 'diba?

I have always thought about why THEY have a professional models association. Not any of them have won any recognition whatsoever, so what makes them the AUTHORITY in professionalising the industry? The people who SHOULD put up a LEGIT association are models who have reaped awards here and abroad, have the credentials to prove it, have worked with the who's who, and who knows what it is to be a profesionnal model globally, and not just having a powerful mama to back them up.

People like Charo Ronquillo, 2tay Maristela, Verns Buckley, Alex Aquino, Rocky Salumbides, Melanie Marquez, Anna Bayle and others should get together. These are the ones who have every right to put up an association, because they have proved themselves as models, not in the number of shows and endorsements they've done, but in the quest to reach the international standard.

And I have talked to other models such as Brad Murdoch, Dos Quong and Trishan Cuaso, and they have nothing nice to say about PMAP.

Even people from Summit have some nasty things to say about them.

Grabe girls, ang tatanda nyo na, ganyan pa kayo. Believe in the power of karma. You may be professional with your meeting the call times and other things that are expected of a model, but I would rather hire someone who could step down from her pedestal, than hire any one of you who can't even admit that your time is up. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Kaya yung mga bagong modelo jan, join na lang kayo ng agency, mapapaglaban pa kayo ng agency, at walang suwapangan sa project. Syempre nga naman, yung bossing nyo sa association, model din, so bakit nga naman nya i-shashare yung biyaya? Sa agency, client ang mamimili. Your agent/manager can't push anyone if the client doesn't want to. Kaya fair. You feel so special pa dahil pinili ka talaga, at hindi by default kasi hindi pwede yung isa sa mga bossing. Laos talaga!

To be fair, PMAP does have good goals. They have fines and cancellation fees when their models are late or do not show up. They demand that their models eat on time. Fitting and rehearsal days are charged as separate days. I appreciate that.

They even have out reach programs and meet and greets. But these events are just socializing events in the guise of worthy causes.

But an agency can implement these rates and rules as well right? So why would you need PMAP? Unless gusto mo ikaw ang pinakamaganda sa grupo, why not?

Buti pa si Bubbles, aminado na wala na syang career, kaya nag artista na lang.

Way to go, chubs.

Hi Rissa. Expect Ellen's call ok? Maganda yung x-deal package na i-ooffer nya.